A Path

When it comes to deciding my career path, or future in general, I've never been sure of anything. Nothing fit right, and I was never sure of what I would really be happy doing. But I've finally decided what I want to do with my life...or God has finally shown me a path. Since I've recommitted my life to Christ, I've been praying incessantly for Him to show me what to do. "What path do You want me to take? I feel so useless.. use me for whatever You have planned... I submit to Your will." Basically, I've been in neutral for way too long and I'm ready to hit the gas. Trust me, I prayed for patience during all of this. I'm SO impatient. Anyway, it started out where I realized how much I love to tell people about God. Just to give them some insight to how incredible He really is. I asked my sister one day, "Do you ever think about God? Just in your daily life?" She replied with "Not really." But I could tell it made her think. A few days later she mentioned thinking of Him while she was at work one day. It made me so happy to hear that! It's a start, right?! A lot of the time when I have conversations about Jesus I get "yeah.." but knowing that I at least put the thought in their minds which creates the possibility of it coming up later just warms my heart! I would love to be able to help people through their issues by using God's Word and Love. I knew that it would be very important for me to truly study the Bible. And going to school would do just that. So I started looking at bible colleges and eventually found a pre-counseling program at one of them. That's when it hit me. Yes, I've always loved to write, and I hope to continue blogging and moving someone closer to God on a daily basis. But what if I could experience that first hand? To see God's Love pour into someone's soul and bring them out of whatever is holding them down. It would be my greatest joy to have God's Love speak through me every day, knowing that I'm doing what He created me to. So I've decided to pursue a career in counseling (psychology) and biblical studies. I'm hoping to be a church counselor or even a counselor at a private school. I just want to be able to spread His love and bring people closer to Him. The school I'm hoping to attend is quite expensive and I'm hoping to get some sort of scholarship funds. So if any of you know of any grants, scholarships, or just have advice, PLEASE let me know! I pray that God speaks through one of you to help me out! I'd appreciate prayers while I go through this process. Nothing is guaranteed, but I pray that if this is truly in God's will for me, everything will fall into place.

I'm Not A Judge

I've been feeling weird lately. Almost..disconnected. It makes me sad, and I know that it has to be ME. He's always pursuing me, always waiting. So where am I going wrong? Is it because I didn't read my bible yesterday? Am I spending too much time with friends? I must be too consumed by the world? Then I realized that I judge myself. Too much. To the point that I never feel worthy. I'm not good enough for anything, including heaven. I hate that. It sucks the life out of me. No one wants to be judged, no one SHOULD be judged. Yet here I am picking myself apart. I can't do that, though. He doesn't want that from me. I have to accept that I don't decide my destiny. He does. And I know how loving He is, how forgiving He is. I have to rest in that, or I'll never be happy. I can't forget who HE is while trying to be who He wants me to be. I can't worry about being a sinner. Because no matter how hard I try, it happens. But I do my best. And I just have to have faith in His Grace, and hope that I'm worthy in His eyes.

Stream of Consciousness

Almost every time I read Paul's letters, whether to the Corinthians, Thessalonians, or Philippians, I am so moved. I learn so much from him and he's one of my favorite people from the bible. I love the fact that he was a man who was overtaken by the grace of God, and completely turned his life around. From a blasphemer to an apostle. He strived to live his life like Jesus. The way he speaks wisdom and inspiration is incredible and because of his scriptures I can understand God's love so much clearer. (Phillipians 2:1-11) HUMILITY is a problem in today's society. It's easy to be 'right' and unwilling to accept change. The truth is, no one but God knows best. And even He was humble enough to give up His Son. The saddest part is He did it to save us, yet we choose to forget that. We live our lives in a way that contradicts Jesus's life. Why? He was completely PERFECT. We should be striving to be JUST like Him. And if the most powerful being in all the universe is humble enough to be a human, a servant, and DIE, shouldn't we be humble enough to let God be exalted the way he deserves? Imagine if everyone on earth strived to be like Jesus. Our world would be the most loving, compassionate, generous place to be. It wouldn't be perfect, but what if everyone tried? No greed, violence, or anger. We would all learn forgiveness and let go of things that aren't worth fretting over. How is it that people see Christianity as a bad thing. That we "judge" and want to ruin people's fun? NO. That's completely opposite of what Jesus stood for..and it's sad that somewhere along the way the world was taught that. Because Jesus is our only form of Peace. 

For You

Another poem.

There's a pain in my heart that I cannot explain, knowing if I pray I'll experience the change. I have faith in Your love, Your will, Your grace,  but I need faith in myself to glorify Your name. Teach me who I am so I can show them who You are, I can't find my path without You speaking to my heart. It would be my greatest joy to bring the world to You, show them Your ways, show them the Truth.  So give me the strength to follow your Word and when the time comes let my voice be heard. I want to shout Your name, bring the people to their knees. Once they know Your grace, their souls will be redeemed.

Beautiful Gift

So I met someone a while back at bible study. He's a really nice guy, a year older than me, and loves God. So anyway, he asked me to go on a dirt bike ride with him this weekend. And I had a BLAST!

(Sore butt and radiator burn were totally worth it!) After I got home, showered, and settled into my bed, I couldn't help but think about what a relationship with this guy would be like. "Planning" it in a way. I had to stop myself.."That's really not fair, Ashleigh. You don't get to decide that." Whatever happens is up to God, so I can't try to picture what will happen. Besides, that takes the beauty out of any situation, don't you think? Even with planning out my day and focusing on completing my to-do list. If I focus on tasks, I lose sight of what God has planned for me. Everything that is happening around me God has specifically placed it there for me. The light breeze, the sunshine, the tweeting of the birds, easy conversation, a safe trip. All of it. It's ALL because of Him. That's the beauty of anything isn't it? He's planned it all for me. And I should embrace what He's given me, good or bad. Realizing that whatever He gives me is a beautiful gift. It seems to be the key to happiness. Knowing that God, who loves me indefinitely, has given me this life. No, I can't control it. But knowing that He does means I never have to plan my future, there's no need to worry or stress. I can just accept everything as it is and bask in whatever beauty He's placed for me. 

The Comforter

It's easy for my mind to move to the past, miss people, miss "eras" of my life. And I get bummed out. I know there's no going back, clearly. And being sad doesn't change anything. But God's Word reminds me that everything I have gone through is for His purposes, and it's to make me into the person He wants me to be. So I can accept my past and look forward to my future. Being that I'm human, however, I'm just not instantly relieved. Sometimes you just really need a hug, ya know? Well my sister messaged me today, completely flustered with her day, seemed to be quite stressed out, and I honestly had NO clue what to say to her. I wish I could've been more help, but I just told her, "Don't worry too much, God is with you!" I know that isn't always an instant cure-all for everything. Our emotions are so complex and people need different responses for different emotions. The thing is, God isn't going to give me a hug. And He isn't going to fix my sister's lamp. So...why do they call Him the Comforter? Yesterday I realized this. Even if its through chaos or sadness, anger or joy, we know that He's looking for any outlet into our lives. Whatever is going to bring us closer to Him, to our salvation. THAT'S how He comforts us. By telling us He's taking us right to where we should be. I know that whatever is being felt at any given moment doesn't disappear right away. I mean, we are human, right? Yes, a hug from someone would be nice when I feel sad. But its temporary. I'll be bummed out 5 minutes later. But if my salvation is on my mind, and God's presence is with me, I WILL feel better. Maybe a little later, but it's peace that's really going to last. And that's far better than a hug anyone (other than Jesus!) could give me. :)

How To Get More Time

Sometimes my work days get outrageously busy. Taking on several tasks at once can be so stressful! And I get so caught up in my work. But at break time I love to read this little book called Jesus Calling. Enjoying Peace in His Presence. It's written in first person as Jesus, the things he would say to you when you're feeling certain things. So it's nice to kick back for ten minutes, read a little reminder from Jesus and get on with my day. Today I read a passage that said to keep Him and His peaceful Presence in the forefront of your mind, even when you're going about your daily activities.  And my goodness! That can be so difficult when you have a list of things to do. So before going back to work I prayed, "Jesus, please stay with me today, keep me sane. You can give me whatever I need. Give me peace..and time if you can spare me some." Hehe yes. I throw jokes at Jesus. But believe it or not, He gave me time. When I thought I didn't have enough, He offered me help through my coworkers. Help that I typically wouldn't get on any other day. And when I realized I could slow down, He was finally able to occupy my mind. Wow. I wanted to feel His Presence, to clear my mind of all the tasks I had, but I literally could not do it on my own. And when I admitted that and asked for His help, He was right there. How awesome is that? He'll cater to us in any way, especially if it brings us that much closer to Him.

 I love this little book so much. And the more I read it and use it in my day to day life, the more I realize how real His love and power is. Get this book. Seriously. It will change how you think.

 http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/jesus-calling-sarah-young/1102040776?ean=9781591451884

No Worries, Pray Always.

I've had some issues. I think a lot, ya know? I realize things about myself all the time. Negative thoughts are so easy to get sucked into. It seems to be where my mind flows to without any interference. But when I think positive thoughts, it's like there's hundreds of interferences...all the negatives. Anyway, back to what I was thinking. I am not afraid of death. Anymore that is. I know, because it's the God-given truth, that this world is not my home. There's something else out there for me, and I hope that it's paradise in heaven. But then I think about what I AM scared of. I fear a life of unworthiness. And I know that I will never earn the worthiness of heaven. I have sinned, I still sin, I will sin. And I absolutely do not deserve heaven because of the life I've lived. So where's the hope? Well my pessimistic mind wants to tell me there is none. Ha. This reminds me of the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness, dealing with the temptations of Satan. I love when He says "Away from me, Satan!" It gets me every time. And even now I have to use that same line. I need to tell him to get out of my head. I know that he's the one interfering with my positivity and memory of all that Jesus Christ has done for me. When it comes down to the truth, I believe with all my heart that Jesus is my Savior, my God, my Truth. He's my best friend, my Father, my everything. And did I mention He's an amazing listener? I love Him, and I know, for a fact, that He loves me, too. So much that He died for me so that I don't have to worry about...well, anything. So why should I worry about unworthiness? We all know the things we've done, but Jesus took all of that upon Himself and died so we would be forgiven of all of it, as long as we have faith and believe that He died and rose again. I have to remind myself of all of this on a DAILY basis. It's so easy for Satan to say "Give up. You don't deserve what He offers you. Just come to me, I don't care what you've done." And I have to respond "Away from me, Satan! I'm saved by the GRACE of God, forever. No matter what. I still have faith. I am saved." It really has been an uphill battle in understanding how He could love me and forgive me ALL THE TIME. I still can't wrap my mind around it. But He tells us that we will never understand, because His ways are not like our ways. YAY! I am so grateful that He is who He is. How blessed are we to have such a forgiving, loving God? So remember, no worries. Pray always. He is with us, He loves us. Believe in Him, love Him, live for Him, and you will be with Him forever.

Rhymer

So after church yesterday, my grandma and I got to talking about how people express themselves. I mentioned I like expressing myself through poetry and Gramma started laughing! She says "Yeah I know, remember the poem you wrote about your fat lip? I still have that one." Yes, in the fifth grade I wrote an emotional, angry poem about getting a fat lip while jumping on the trampoline. You know how detrimental that is for an eleven year old going to school?! I looked like Donald Duck, and at the time I had no idea how to laugh at myself...so yes, it was a tragic couple of weeks for me. Anyway, I told her that I still write, and agreed to read her my more recent poems when we got home. Now I will share with all you lovely internet browsers. :) I wrote this one several weeks ago. Hope you all enjoy and maybe understand my feelings.

I'm a struggling soul, unsure where to go.
I've been so consumed by the offers of this world.
I've lived to make money, been entertained by sin,
waiting on You to change me from within.
How can I ask that when I haven't even tried?
I haven't put in effort to be perfect in Your eyes.
I know there's no excuse for the things that I've done.
How could I turn my back on You and Your Son?
I know I've been wrong, but I chose not to change.
I chose to ignore the voice calling my name.
I'll live fearing Judgment Day because there's no one to blame.
Before You've read me my sins, I already feel ashamed.
So I'll ask for forgiveness everyday of my life.
I'm making the commitment to make all things right.
You aren't just my God, You're my Creator, my Father.
I promise You now that I'll be a better daughter.
I'll give You the praise we all know You deserve,
and above all else I'll put You first.
I know I'm not perfect. Never have been, never will be.
But I'll try to be the person You created me to be.
Put the Holy Spirit within me to give me the strength.
I'll hold onto my commitment as You really help me change.

The Crash

So I had an interesting morning today. It was my first day back since getting my wisdom teeth pulled out, and I can't say I was looking forward to it. That being said, I slept in a bit. Okay, quite a bit! I got up slowly, put on the tiniest bit of makeup, put my hair in a ponytail, and took an ibuprofen. I had to make myself one of those instant mashed potato packages, which surprisingly took about five minutes to do. I've been eating mashed potatoes from KFC for the last 3 days! So a little flavor change seemed necessary. Anyway, I put it in a container and left for work. I noticed on our gravel road that my car was pulling to the right quite a bit and made a mental note to take it in to get my alignment checked. At that point, I was already cursed. While on my work's street, I...brace yourself...did some off-roading in my poor, beautiful little Mazda3 and managed to drive over a curb. I just got my car at the end of May and I already ruined it! I completely popped my front tires, damaged a rear one, and my rims were too damaged to continue using. Thank God no one, including myself, was injured and nothing worse happened. Before I hit the curb I thought I was going to flip, but God's gracious hand kept my wheels on the ground. So today, I got to spend all day getting my car ready to drive again. New tires, new rims-$1080. Ouch. Definitely an unexpected expense, but my new rims look nice! Optimism is key, right?
I cannot believe all of the generosity I experienced from people today. It seriously amazes me. My best friend, Arissa, works at the same place I do, but on night shift. So as she was heading home, she saw me on the side of the road and stopped to make sure I was okay. Before I knew it she was helping me get my car fixed today. Not the labor, but all of the planning and details. She probably slept maybe 5 hours before her next shift. I never even asked her to, she just took the reigns and did it, knowing how flustered I was. She's always been the one with the knack for cars, so I think she felt like she could do a much better job figuring things out than me. Which is very true! She called up her father-in-law, who was planning on being on the lake today, and he came to tow my car to Les Schwab. Literally dropped everything he had planned for me. I couldn't believe it. Then when the lady at Les Schwab told me I needed new rims, she could see the disappointment in my face and gave me a little discount for the unexpected expense. What?! And on top of that, one of Arissa's friends did my alignment for 20 bucks, which would've cost me $90 at Les Schwab. I'm so amazed by the generosity and kind hearts of all the people that helped me today...people that don't even know me, but are more than willing to help. It really gives me hope for mankind. It's so easy to feel like the world is messed up and everyone is going in the wrong direction. But Jesus teaches us to love everyone. I was graced enough to have a handful of people show me love, and they probably didn't even realize it. It was just in their hearts. It's inspiring and heartwarming knowing that people who may not be striving for a relationship with Jesus are still being used by Him. I read a quote once that said "Be aware of how you live, you may be the only Bible some people ever read." How true is that? So no, you may not be preaching the Word, but showing love and kindness is a good way to represent Jesus. That's exactly what He stood for. So be aware of the things going on around you, people are preaching the gospel through their actions all around you. It really is an inspiring thing, isn't it?

Love and Things

Being that I'm 21 now, newly single, and have so much life ahead of me, my perspective on how to live has changed drastically. Yes, I'm newly single. Am I heartbroken? Well..yes. To a point. I was completely in love with this man. We had so much in common, there was so much passion in our relationship. I mean, we were going to get married. But at the end of the day, he was uncertain about what he truly wanted out of life. And to be honest, I was, too. He was always talking about starting a family, but I wasn't ready. However, I also wasn't ready to go to school yet either. So if I wasn't ready for a family and not ready for a career, what am I doing? At the end of our relationship, we both realized how we were clearly going in the wrong directions. Yes, we were very in love with each other. But we didn't include God in our lives hardly at all. At times, it was mentioned. But we never fully committed to Him. So when we reached that point, we both changed. While he made changes that I didn't feel were necessary, he was telling me I was wrong for choosing my lifestyle. God was telling him one thing to do with his life, and telling me another. And that's when we realized we just aren't right for each other. It just doesn't seem that God has a path for the both of us. Yes, it's heartbreaking. To know that you can't be together because of the right reasons is as hard as knowing you're breaking up for the worst reasons. That being said, I can trust in God's plan for me. No, it may not be what I expect or "want", but God knows what's best for me outside of anything I could ever want from this world. My relationship and friendship with Vik has taught me so much. Not only about love, but about my faith and relationship with God. Above all else, that has been the most important thing he could have ever given me. He opened my eyes to so much, and for that I am so grateful.

It's crazy to realize how different peoples' relationships with God can be. But think about it, people fall in love with each other in all sorts of ways, just like how people fall in love with God in different ways. Ultimately, it all falls back on the same reasons, but how we show our love is interchangeable. While Vik felt he needed to show his love by giving up everything in his life and focusing only on God, I chose to live my life, but include Him, and praise Him in whatever I do. Are either of us right or wrong? No. We just all have our own ways of praising the Lord, and that's all He wants. Your LOVE. So even if you aren't called to sell your television, or give up music, just remember to praise Him for all the things He's blessed you with. And yes, choose your bible over your movies..that's been my biggest change. Learning about His love and grace has been so life changing, and those are experiences you will NEVER get from a movie. Think about it, try it. You'll be surprised how much deeper you can love a man whose voice you've never heard, whose face you've never seen. But you know Him to the core, simply by reading about His life and realizing how much He loves you. Knowing He's with me always is so comforting. And learning to trust Him with every aspect of my life is incredible. I know He only wants what's best for me..and for that, I can sleep soundly(alone) every night. :)